I was looking back at a past blog and was reading about the “Stones That Heal.” Even though I don’t believe that stones can heal, they sure can hurt. I’ve been hit by more than one in a childhood fight with my brothers and many left bruise and cuts.

Do you remember the old children’s chant, “sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me”? I’m sure I said it at least once. It is the brave statement of someone who doesn’t want to face the mean antics of a bully. In reality, words can hurt. I’m sure I’ve said many words that have deeply cut someone.

I was recalling the other day some words that I had said to one of my brothers when we were younger. While I’m sure he has forgotten about it, our minds have way of bringing these words back at the most inopportune times. When these times come, it is important to address them quickly and decisively. If you begin to harbor them then they will infect the rest of your body.

There are times when it is appropriate to go back and apologize for those words. There are also times when bringing it up will only cause more strife or even open new wounds. I want to share several keys that I am learning and trying to put into practice, although sometimes not so successfully.

First and foremost you must receive forgiveness for yourself. You must take this to our Father and because of and through His mercy, accept the forgiveness that He offers. You will never be able to receive that grace from someone else unless you first receive it for yourself. It’s similar to the instructions that they give you before a flight. You must first make yourself secure before you can help someone else.

Then you must discern whether or not you should ask the other for forgiveness. I remember hearing of a the children of a pastor when I was growing up. He would always make his children apologize whenever there was a disagreement between his children and other children in the church. While at times, I’m sure it was motivated more by keeping problems down in the church than teaching forgiveness and humbleness to the young kids. However, sometimes it is necessary to say your sorry even if you felt like you did nothing wrong. Sometimes a perceived hurt is just as bad because regardless of intentions, what really matters is how the other perceived and received.

Some are extremely sensitive to the words of others. Many wear their hearts on their sleeves. Because of past hurts, many will either be overly sensitive and others will simply shut down emotionally. A couple months ago during a conversation that was more of an argument and taunting from my brother, an emotion rose within me and my reaction was to lash back in order not to be hurt that way again. My brother asked me if I was having a bad day or something. Several days later, during prayer, it was revealed to me why I was having this reaction. I called my brother and explained to him that even though his words were so similar to those when we were younger and he along with his friends used to pick on me, I still should not have reacted that way with him. I apologized to him and I set boundaries so that he would not do that again. Even if he did, I believe my reaction would be much different.

During prayer, ask Holy Spirit to reveal the right path you should take. One of His roles is to guide you into all truth. There are times when you would cause more problems in going to them than you would if you didn’t. When in doubt, seek the advice of a close friend, your pastor, or a mature believer. Someone who is impartial or can speak truth is beneficial. Close friends shouldn’t be those who always agree with you…but that’s another blog.

If you do go to that person, make sure your heart is in it or they will know and it will make things worse. Offer your apology and ask for their forgiveness. This will free you from those feelings and help you to move on. You may even gain a new friend or restore a former one. In the least you will release yourself and that person from the pain and torment.

If you do not, maybe because that person is no longer around or because it just wouldn’t be feasible, make sure that you don’t hold that in and let it fester and infect. My dad passed away a couple years ago. There is no way I could tell him I was sorry for doing something. For me to hold on to that would not be good. In those cases, I have heard where some have written a letter to that person asking to be released from the guilt. Of course you can’t send it but you can bury it or burn it.

Be released from the pain of the past and receive the healing so you can move forward. As long as you hold those things within, they will always travel with you. Eventually you just cannot carry them any longer and you will collapse beneath the load. Determine today to begin shedding those things.

Let the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14